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Archive for August, 2009

Sorry for leaving you guys hanging. Truth is, I really miss relaying good news. After all this blog is supposed to be “all about my convalescence.” It was two years ago that I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. One year ago I celebrated very low tumor markers. I was just points shy of the glorious r-word: remission. But now, ever since January, I have been slowly getting worse. It’s hard to regress, frustrating not to know why my estrogen and tumor markers won’t go down. I had my check up over a week ago and discovered that the drug I took for one month, an aromatase inhibitor that is supposed to lower my estrogen, did nothing. My estradiol did not change, it is not one digit lower. My main cancer marker went up about 40 points. On to plan D.

I would much rather be writing about all the amazing people who have helped me through this so far- my mom, nathan, mindy, natalie, my whole family, my friends, even relatives I didn’t even know I had like the wonderful, kind, loving Barbara Zykan just to name a very small sample. I’d rather tell you about our recent adventures in canoeing, my obsession with psychic investigators or the qi gong conference mom and I went to in July. But I still have to talk about my health. I have to focus. I have to get better.

Of course I have learned a lot in the past two years. I know for sure that we are all connected, entangled. I know when I am being prayed for and when people are sending me healing energy. I actually feel it! Cliché as it may sound, I know love is a powerful force that transcends the limits of time and space. With love all things really are possible. I am so grateful for all the love I have been given.

Though I still have new methods to explore I know my spirit is the final frontier in healing. For me, navigating consciousness is no simple task. After all these years I am still not exactly sure how to meditate. I am finding myself frightened at the complexity of it all but willing to give it a try. I kind of wish some shaman would magically appear and wisp me into a transcendent, spiritual trance that catapults me into complete remission. I am ready!

As always I am hopeful. I can see the healthy, vibrant, energetic, happy, abundant future me just on the other side of the horizon. Thankfully, no bright white tunnel of light is standing between me and her.

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