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Archive for December, 2008

They wouldn’t give me my results over the phone which made me sure it was bad news. As I sat in the waiting room visions of sugarplums, dove chocolates, copious quantities of coconut butter and green tea danced through my guilt-ridden head. I have been using my anxiety as an excuse to be a little bad from time to time this last month and there was a dark cloud of regret hovering over me. Then the nurse entered and  gave me the news-

My ca 27.29 tumor marker is down 29 points! 101 is the magic number. Phew.  I am so relieved that things are getting better again. This is the best Christmas gift ever! What a rough couple of months. I wish that my mental health didn’t revolve around the state of  my physical health but it does. So now I am happy again! My sense of purpose is back. I’m back.

There is no way I could be doing all this without my extraordinary mother, amazing husband and the rest of my fabulous family and friends. You guys rock!!!!

Thanks for being there with me in spirit at 1pm and 3:30. Sending a psychic hug filled with love, laughter, health and sighs of relief and to each and every one of you.

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Ok, here we go again. tomorrow i get another little bit of ink on paper- my markers. The number could still be high due to the screw ups. Deep breaths. Don’t tell Santa but I’ve been kind of naughty- I’ve been drinking the green tea again, occasionally eating little pieces of dark dove chocolate and gorging myself on coconut butter. i blame the recent funk Ive been in. the funk is lifting with my spirits and the bad habits will be gone ASAP.

Please do your magic for me. Picture me in perfect health, happy, strong, resilient, radiant, every cell vibrating with health and well being. If you are not busy at 3:30 eastern tomorrow please send me some healing mojo and sparkly love vibes. I know you are all strong senders with a direct telephone line to the big gal upstairs. You have sent some strong white light my way in the past and I am grateful for it.

Regardless of what the  numbers say I will continue what I am doing. Minus the recent indulgences.

And I do feel good. No aches, headaches are gone. I am really hoping for an early christmas gift of low low tumor markers. I want to put the zoladex mistakes behind me and get back to where I was.

I will let you know how it went tomorrow.

Sending all of you sparkly snowflakes of sunshine.

UPDATE- I called my docs office yesterday to see if I could just get my results over the phone instead of going there (the doc is on a ski trip anyhow and I was just going to be seen by a nurse) and they said to call back at 1pm today. So send those thoughts a little early!

xoxo

She

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Since my last post the love has been pouring in. It has given me the strength and motivation to get moving. I am in motivational movie montage mode right now. Imagine clips of me making calls, making juice, writing thank you notes, making juice, organizing mountains of paperwork, making juice, making coffee, making juice. All with “Gonna Fly Now” blaring. It’s getting done, slowly but surely. my to-do list is still intimidating but it’s totally doable. One step at a time.

We went to see the Fiery Furnaces in Ybor city last night. If you have never seen them live, don’t bother. The whimsy and magic of thier music is lost in their performance. Disappointing.

I promise someday soon I’ll put some actual info in these posts. I am boring even myself with my current level of self-absorption.

Extra heaping dose of super strength love to each and every one of you.

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keepin on

whoa. ok, so its been awhile. I just wanted everyone know that my body is doing good. no major aches or pains. just some minor headaches in the morning and the usual heaping dose of fatigue.

Emotionally its a different story. I think I am out of shock and have moved on to some grief. Unfortunately, I have moments of self pity followed by extreme guilt. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system. I just really really really wish I didn’t have to go through all this.

I feel like I have accomplished nothing creative this year and it is getting me down. I am also feeling isolated. I really do not get out much and it has become harder to relate to people. All of my energy goes into the juicing, appointments, enemas. When I am done with my routine that’s it. I’m beat. I don’t even make much time for cleaning anymore. There are a lot of things I should be getting done- disability paperwork, thank you notes, blog updates but I don’t. This leaves me feeling alternately frustrated and guilty.

So thats my update. still here. still working at it. just trying to cope.

Much love to you all.

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